瘋了

我真不知道自己在想什麽 在幹什麼
我只知道自己真的瘋了

我今天做了決定要去預約諮商
我要把一切事情告訴一位陌生人

這樣應該會好過吧？

爲什麽長大之後越來越複雜？

爲什麽長大之後我變得那麼多？

爲什麽長大之後才知道社會是如此的出乎我預料？

爲什麽長大之後我會這樣子？

爲什麽腦海裡一直有著很多的爲什麽？

爲什麽有些事情真的可以被劃分的那麼清楚而我有時候真的不想要把它弄得那麼清楚？

爲什麽長大之後講話可以越直接越好？

爲什麽長大之後心理總是怪怪的？

爲什麽在沒有家人的控管下我好像太自由了？

怎麼辦我真的好想找個陌生人聊天
聊什麽都好只要不是身邊任何一個我認識的人

Stop me please

Seriously how great if those imaginary stuffs in my mind be written out black and white
I admit that these stuffs are all so C R E A T I V E !
I love to think a lot
but sometimes it will lead me to negative thoughts
It happens often when I'm here, Taipei, Taiwan.
I'd analyzed, when I was in KL during winter holiday, I had lots of free time to THINK, but I didn't.
but when I was in Taipei, I think a lot.
perhaps I don't have anyone to share or to really soul talk to
sounds sad huh

Well, so what am I thinking?
This and that.
Think about future and acted out.
Think about many 'what if'sss, and acted out.
Being the scriptwriter cum director cum actor.
Busy

Anyways, I'm now seriously out of mind
Writing without any points
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Okay, I miss you again.
Please go away can?
我曾看到：“要放下的時候就要放下，說不定對方根本沒把你放在心上”
這句話是真的
我還是放不下
我說真的
我不知哪根筋壞了
我真的壞了一點點
我每次會莫名其妙的想逼自己哭
因為這桶眼淚真的真的埋了好久
甚至導致我根本忘了怎麼哭

I need to be Fixed
:(

人因夢想和障礙而長大

人因夢想而長大
但是往往就是會被種種原因限制了你
我知道我很容易說氣話，但是我仍然會努力的去做我要做的事
只是我很討厭現在的自己 一無所有
什麽畢業前一定要修的大學四學分 簡直是屁
付出那麼多的勞力得來的卻是那麼一點點的小錢
我知道人生不能總是想著不勞而獲
所以我努力的活著努力的靠自己的能力賺一點點
我討厭資本主義 所有事情總是“錢”

我當初的初衷到底在哪裡？
對於大學的憧憬到底在哪裡？
靠 我真的很想哭
家人說我每次都不主動找他們聊天
找了還不是簡單幾句
姐姐whatsapp給他們就想說她自己一個人在印度是不是太孤單？
我呢？難道你沒有想過嗎？
是，我常在fb po文，但你有沒有想過我爲什麽這麼愛po？
我只是使用另一種方式讓別人可以注意我！

爲什麽到了這個階段我突然會停下來？
我開始不瞭解自己了

不要這麼容易付出真心

有一次有人告訴我
“不要這麼容易付出真心”
不要這麼容易讓一個人看透你的心
越是捉摸不定越是個難搞的東西
這樣才有挑戰性

我認真覺得自己一直把我的保護層削薄
唉~~
加油好嗎
我也不想的

Hate this feeling

AGAIN again and AGAIN!!!
I hate this feeling
Being alone in my room with 3 empty tables, 3 empty chairs, 3 empty beds!
Roommates go back to their Taiwan home every weekends
leaving me alone in this silent and full-of-things room.

I wish to have my own privacy
yet now I have
Talk so much some more
Whatever

Back to the day before yesterday.
Was so regret that I never leave my contact
and now we loss contact
maybe that person doesn't want to?
gosh...What the hell am I thinking and acting?!

Drug shouldn't be exist in this world!
because I got 'addicted' already!
gosh... I wish to end it fast
to live stably.

Telling myself that to make yourself happier is to be confident
I'm making myself busy and no relation life
What the hell am I doing?
I seriously need a shoulder
I don't want my self-esteem to get even higher to prove to people that I can live on my own
What the hell am I acting?
I seriously is a good actress who could act like I'm very good
I'm just as if a lamb covered with wolf skin, AS IF okay! think in other ways.

I'm just tired.
I need a shoulder and ears to lie on and listen to me.
WISH.
Everything is only WISH.
Birthday wish.
Praying wish.
Don't expect it will come true!
Face the reality.
These are the FACTS!

Gosh...What the hell am I typing?
What the hell am I thinking now?
K BYE

ciao~~

變

爲什麽我最近都有種“好不想再讀書”的感覺？
從小我們就一直學東西，以前的我還覺得以後我會是讀書的好學生
因為我就是對一切事物好奇，可以學習當然好
最近不知怎的，心已經不在讀書
越來越我行我素 想做什麽就沖著做
根本不想把太多心思放在學業上
明明規劃好要弄得東西 卻可以一直拖，拖到比黃河還要長。

我知道也自身經歷過 LAST MINUTE WORK will never ends up in good ending
但是我就是這種人
很想改 但改不了
每次想到要做一樣事情的時候 就很容易放棄很容易就說服自己說“明天再弄吧”
我要做我想做的事情
好煩

大學加油

Planning is the mother to success

Is it?
Planning is the mother to success?
It's hard to plan uncertain things, you cannot predict your future, but you can set your own target.
yes, I'm that kind of people who live from hand to mouth, i guess so?
Which means, I have this amount of money and I'll spend it happily without thinking whether to save these money for future.
Nooooo. I actually love to save money >_<
I was taught to save money since young, everytime when I have my pocket money, I will automatic put half of it into my piggy bank. I'd even compete with my brothers and sister to see whose savings is the highest. LOL
Now I'm living on my own, have to take everything in consideration be it economical, worthiness etc. EVERYTHING.
Wish me luck ok? I hope to get through everything and graduate.

Ciao~~

Adaptation

Emo!
It's so hard for me to adapt these big difference.
热情的吉隆坡 vs 冷漠的台北
I came back from an environment full with warmth and happiness to this cold and mean city.
I have accompanies in Malaysia, my family my friends.
Here, not to say I have no friends, actually everyone is like me too, live on your own.
The worst thing is I can't pull myself up from "people-are-beside-you" to "no-one-is-beside-you-now" feeling. Gosh, in other words, from dependent to independent.
My roommates, all going back on weekends, leave me alone in this cold and boring room.
You know when you are alone you will have big dreams, REAL big dreams.
I will think a lot to make my mind busy to prevent myself from loneliness.

Think about future, think about what's next, think about this and that. you know THINKING is the scariest thing in the world. You will scared to step forward, you somehow will try to persuade yourself to go on! Think it negatively, all the thing is all in your mind only, and you still have to live what you should live. but think it positively, you grown up and know how to plan and can be independent.
I don't want!!!
Yeah right, I look like an independent girl, LOOK! That's how we must protect ourselves isn't it?!
Friends, I have many here.
but when it comes to Real friend, true friends, soul mate, less than two or perhaps I don't even dare to tag them as my real friends as our bonding is not like secondary friends.
I hate walking on the pathway outside of my hostel everytime when I go out to buy foods.
No one is beside you, but you have to watch other people.
I walk very fast everytime to let myself not to be in this scary pathway.

Adapting.
Am still adapting.
I hate the feeling everytime when I'm gonna leave my home.
I have no appetite. I have no mood in doing things, I will be moody and emo.
I don't like these feelings.
I don't like jealousy or envy to be applied on me.
but I like my spirit in music.
The only thing that I can do whatever I want is playing my guitar baby.
Why I never post videos on youtube the whole winter holiday?
because I don't have to, I have listeners I have precious time spending with my family and friends.
When I come back, I did a video. It doesn't mean I'm happy recording.
It's just a way to prevent myself of thinking too much.
Music is just a way to cure myself from being alone.
Anyways, this is my choice.  

Goal, Mission, Success

A Goal yet to be reached.
A Mission yet to be completed.
A Success yet to be achieved.

I will urge myself to keep my mind positively everytime when I start to think negatively.
Goal! Mission! Success!
Wow, such wonderful words
yet these are just one of ways to make yourself to be more happy?
I guess so.

I'm now clear that I'm so so so desperate to have a boyfriend. = =
Funny huh! Even my roommate try to make me out of this weird environment where boys are so damn limited. She always try to make opportunity for me to meet new friends, through his boyfriend. Gosh, can't believe that I need such planning at this age. I never reject though, but feel scared to meet strangers?
Anyway, I can't believe that she share everything in details to her boyfriend about me! LOL...well, yeah praising me that I can sing, I can compose song, I can make video, I'm good in photography etc. Thank you =) I was shocked that everything I did amazed her.

Again, blog is always the best friend who will always listen to what I say.
Expected, I'd gone through ups and downs in this semester (Year 3).
People, attitude, passion......All related.
I'm confident in my time managing, but I guess there are still more yet to be improved after going through this semester.
Sometimes I will sit down without doing anything, think and think and think about myself.
What I'd changed myself? How's my personality towards others?
I think I changed a lot, mind change, look change, attitude change etc.
More challenges to be confronted.

ciao~~

隱形的感覺

不知從什麼時候開始
我喜歡上這感覺
喜歡在人群中不顧別人眼光做我自己
甚至能夠不憂慮的解放心裡所有的慾望
前天我又去了那地方
我真的想也沒想到我又遇見穿紅色衣服的人
但是不是熟悉的面孔

在當下我並沒有覺得我的做法有錯
離開人群、沉澱自己、慢慢清醒之後
我~~~突然覺得有點不舒服
這隱形的感覺 說白一點就是隔著一層布在互動而已
也感受到了前所未有的 互動
但我很快就把它結束
因為我至少還有一點的理智在
我一直很不清楚的是
紅色現在一直跟“大便”連在一起
Oh, 我真的出問題了。

那次也讓我真正體會到
有感覺和沒感覺 的差別
大的呢！
雖然自己想了之後覺得好不可思議
爲什麽會有人發明這種玩意兒 讓年輕人去玩
或許是這是其中一個解放的地方
但老實說我真的把所有的煩惱所有的負擔都拋在一旁
感覺真的是很舒服

之後還要再拼一堆事情
希望這學期能夠順利的過

Missing someone

And yes, I miss you again.
So I cried. I won't tell and I won't show.
I know this is super stupid, why am I so silly?
I tried to let go, filling up the timetable FULLY, yet I can't avoid missing you.
You're not extraordinary, you're just a normal human being living on earth.
You have lots of things that I don't really like, but still I miss you.
I don't know where the hell do these thoughts happened on me, trying to accept people who smoke, who drink often. WTH!
I kept on persuading myself that, I like you is because of THAT small little moment, it shouldn't last for so long. Then?! It last for so long now.
I'm just too tired to get updated from FB about you.
This is seriously god damn  unrealistic.
Making you as 'Close friends' as if we're close enough.
WTH! I'm so stupid, so silly, so useless.
Yet, I have my own setting though.
I won't be the one who take the initiative to start a conversation.
So now, one month goes on, your light goes green everyday and I'm waiting like a stupid waiting for miracles to happen?! WTH.

When the hack is 'LONELY' appeared in my life now?!
I feel so unsecured.
Although I made myself like no-need-anyone-to-care face, but it is seriously a fake one.
Everytime when I want to find someone to eat with me, either lunch or dinner, my mind went blank.
Yes, I have dream to reach, but without help, I need to go on a long long long journey.

Tired.
ciao~

Maturity

It seems like maturity reaches me after the 2 months+ summer holiday in Taiwan.
Well, I did nothing special.
Just making my life busier and filling up all the blanks in my Schedule book.
Working is the only thing that I can do last summer, yet i really enjoyed.
Although I know administrative stuffs do not suit me but I can at least learn some communication techniques.
I loved to talk, but surprisingly I lower down my profile the first day I'm here, yes Taiwan.
Perhaps it's because of the differentiation between culture and habits, we speak the same language but what about the accents? what about the jokes? It's highly related with the society and the environment etc.
I made a lot of effort to adapt in this environment, in this culture that I tried to avoid before.
I was just too ego, thinking that people should be influenced by me.
Yes, I always putting myself in the middle of the circle, right in the middle point of the circumference.
Okay, I lose.
My opinions were always be rejected, my OVER creativeness is like a recycle paper waiting to go into the machine and be destroyed immediately. I made up my mind:" okay, I'll be quiet and you talk."
Well my classmates are all intelligent people, they can think and think and think, giving as many reasons as you can. At the end no conclusion, making everyone dizzy, don't know which to be decided.
Not to say that my opinions should be accepted, brainstorming is to listen and accept everyone's creativity. After collecting everything then only we proceed to the cruel SELECTION PROCESS.
Anyways, I'm happy that I dare to step out of this society.
I met some special people, different people during this summer.
I learned a lot from them, not from their intelligence but the way they think, the way they live.
They inspired me to make something different, influenced me that live is not like what you think and live is not just a straight line. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MAKE YOUR LIFE COLOURFUL!
Our live were planned in a sequence before we step into the University, everything was like going through so smoothly because it was planned by your parents. but I was once perplexed, I don't know why am I living for these things? why am I doing all this stuffs? Why is my live was planned LIKE this?! I got no more time to stay in university, only four years. I must at least do something to prove myself, to make myself proud. Not to other people but myself.
It's really hard to describe my feeling through out the 2 months, but I can really feel that I'm ready to open my heart to love and adapt this so-called new environment Taiwan. I know it's a little bit late, but I'm happy now, being more optimistic and I am who I am NOW!
I told my Junior:"In university, we must always be initiative, chances will not wait for you but it's waiting for you to grab it from other people's hand." Yes this is another cruel site of this society. Prey-predator relationship.

Giving a perfect conclusion to this post is:
To make yourself happy, try the things that you never tried before. Then you will find out a solution to save yourself. Of course do not ever try to forget those talents that you are gifted, make full use of it and try to insert some other new things that you learned and improve slowly towards a PERFECT MASTERPIECE.

一時的東西就要懂得放下

我不知道喜歡是什麽感覺

我只知道我現在的感覺是一時的

我不想再透過虛擬的FB得知你所有的行蹤

我更不想腦子里都是在掛念著一個‘接近不可能’

我不想每次都等‘比’看誰先開口

我不想一直習慣性的‘希望’你會出現

我很不希望自己這麼的白癡

我自己氣我自己哭

我自己安慰自己笑

原來我真的感覺到了孤單和寂寞

看到情侶不是嫉妒而是羡慕

或許以前我也很想要有男朋友

但是那種感覺真的不比現在強烈

我不是石頭做的

外表堅強內在卻一直在掙扎

我找事情做其實就是要忘掉這一時的‘模糊’

所有的所有都錯在暑假前一個禮拜我豁出去了

或許這不是錯而是學習

學習讓自己更懂得去應付事情

今年暑假我得到很多學到很多

我是感情深的天蝎座

只要一隻腳踏進感情花花世界

我需要很長的時間抽離

這對我來講更不是一件容易的事情

我好希望自己趕快不去想

明明喜歡是一件開心的事情

爲什麽我要想那麼多？

Concentrate

Oh Hey Back again
Probably because I deactivated my FB
And sweat that I kept on deactivate-activate-deactivate-activate it, so now FB can't stand my playfulness and punished me.
I have to wait for 24 hours to activate it again.
Okay, serious don't think deactivate it is so that easy, you will need to pay more for what you did.
FB thinks you have some other reason to deactivate it so it can control your activation.
Well maybe next time you might need to wait 48 hours to activate it again, perhaps.

The only thing I'm so confuse is that should I let it go?
Ah I just hate this feelings now
I don't know how to describe it by words
Waiting is not the proper way to be loved
And why am I waiting?
Wait for what?
Wait then lost it?
Wait then give up?
but! the only thing is that you don't know what you are waiting for!
You are already in the mist that WHAT is YOUR TRUE FEELING!
You don't know is your feeling right?
You don't know is it REAL?
You don't know what they both thinking!
You just kept on guessing and guessing and guessing, at the end you conclude yourself and made decision yourself! Weirdo....
Yes, WEIRDO!
You say you want to concentrate, but actually this will only make you more suffer, serious =__=

Whatever, no more emotional things.
Say something about my work at Maokong =)
This is the first time working as a waitress, to serve people, to do things I seldom do at home.
I sweep and mop the floor
I wipe the windows and doors
I say 'WELCOME' and 'THANK YOU' so often to customer
I take order and give explanation
I wash loads of dishes and it actually spoiled my pretty manicure T__T
I be the cashier and sometimes will count wrongly
I stand more than 8 hours
I can't be lazy because there is a BOSS and another Bigger BOSS who will never care people's feeling looking at US, and I don't know why this Bigger BOSS can be so cold-blooded yet the BOSS is so good so different.
I used to be lazy and kept on finding reason to make myself rest, but this time I will find things to do, I don't even dare to say "CAN I REST?", If I do how dare I!?!? OMG, other people are more tired than I am.
BUT, I'm happy working there
Feeling that I'm not wasting my live sitting in the office facing computer everyday.
At least I used my whole body cells to do something
Although I just take order, send foods and drinks, ask customer to pay the bills, but this job is really different from what I thought before.
The people there are NICE! Super NICE!

Working 6 days in a week, never letting myself to rest.
Night is for Piano, Day is for Administration work, Weekends are for Maokong.
I'm Part-Time queen =)
BTW, I choosed swimming to be my only entertainment.
I can swim nonstop NOW! ah hah! =)
Breaststroke, Freestyle ON la!

I can't believe that I can be a WORKAHOLIC
because I was a SUPER LAZY girl before,
thinking that WORKING is not fun
So, don't want to work wasting money and use parent's money
I guess my papa and mummy will be happy that I will think this way
I should thank them though giving me a chance to be independent

Conclusion:
Do not ever depends on other people, find your own way to solve the problem when you face obstacles
Especially when you are confused, just share your opinion and thoughts to people that you think will give you good advices, but of course FIND THE RIGHT PERSON.
When you solved it then only share also no harm.
Concentrate on what you are doing.
Typing then type properly
Working then work seriously

okbbciao~

停下來 想

Yes, I deactivated my FB without telling anyone
I'll be back anytime, I'm just not sure when should I go back to the virtual world
It's like a must to use FB
Doing discussion, chatting, updating your latest news, getting more closer with friends and families
So when one disappear from the virtual world, they will probably say:"Hey! you disappeared for so long", just because one stop using FB. =__=
I didn't disappear, I'm still alive okay.
If you really care someone you won't be updated through facebook yet to be updated in REAL world.

Well, what's the reason to deactivate?
Too many.
I thought a lot of things these days.
Staying in the virtual world will actually make one looks more foolish
Doing nothing but turn on Facebook and check others' News Feed, Like others' photos and status, Comment others' photos and status etc.
They typed "haha" but their facial expression is not like "HAHAHAHHAAH"
They typed "LOL" but they are actually serious typing 'L' & 'O' & 'L'. never even LAUGH OUT LOUD.
Me, a cyberchild, born on the 90s, used to Facebook everyday without any reason or aim and left out those important things to do, left out my true feeling.
I just can't believe that I will think so much whether it's TRUE or FAKE.
So I think I should stop for a while and think, think what I want to be, what I actually want.

Like everyone's habit, after you on your PC and internet browser, the first thing to do is to type: www.facebook.com.
These are the reason why people are so cool nowadays
Sitting in the MRT, in the bus or in the Office, all facing PC, smartphone etc
Everyone staying in their own little small world without interacting and thus causing communication breakdown.
It's impossible by saying these things out from me I know because I was these kind of people. duh~~

Anyway, my conclusion is waiting in the virtual world or being happy in the virtual world is not your true feeling. It's like "aiya, it's virtual only, no need to take it serious, they don't know me I don't know you, what to scared for". Those inventor who invented EMOTICON are great thinker, they make our world more colourful yet I think it makes people feelings worsen. Some people will take things serious; but some will think it's virtual and won't believe what they seen. So that's the problem with these VIRTUAL world, making things to be in between TRUE and FAKE.

I'm finding my own way to live normally and REAL
I will still use facebook but in another kind of view.
I guess so.

ciao~

依賴

有時候我只想找一個傾訴的對象而不是一個聽我抱怨的對象
原來我的傾訴就算是抱怨
maybe 我應該從新思考自己的個性、語氣
把自己放進別人的鞋子裡聽聽我自己
看看自己是長什麼樣子
瞭解我在講話在發呆的時候是什麼樣子

從小我習慣依賴父母
外面遇難可以依賴爸爸
面對難題可以依賴媽媽
電腦壞了依賴大哥
不敢做的事情可以依賴二哥
課業鋼琴問題可以依賴姐姐
懶惰的時候可以依賴妹妹
來到台灣我必須獨立
我依賴我自己

原來我這麼容易可以找到依賴的人
但是我似乎弄錯了
就算是朋友我也不能像對家人一樣的依賴
no 我太熱情太自作多情 是嗎？
我必須開始收斂自己的想法
我還是會依賴你們但是我第一個會依賴的還是我自己先
謝謝你們願意讓我依賴一點，也讓我欣慰
我會找尋屬於自己的重心
再次深入瞭解自己的個性
思考做人的目的

順順利利的生活反而不會讓我覺得自己長大
往逆境前進 跌倒 和碰釘子 才讓我長大了一點點
MIND 的成長
是需要時間的磨練才能變得更成熟
很高興我來到這裡
遇到這麼多奇妙的人
我相信這次的暑假很難忘
我不敢再想未來
現在的事情沒有做完
做完了我至少有一點點的機會決定自己的未來

天真就是我
邪惡也是我
我很難捉摸
因為我是天蝎座的林慧君

被喜歡和喜歡

當你被一個人喜歡的時候是什麽感覺？
當你喜歡一個人的時候是什麽感覺？
你比較喜歡被喜歡還是喜歡？
當你因為你喜歡的人說了一些讓你摸不著頭腦的話而哭又是爲什麽？
當你一直用理性的思考能力去想你到底爲什麽喜歡一個人的時候，其實你完全已經被感性掌控了。因為當你喜歡一個人的時候你是不會去想爲什麽。

感覺來了卻讓你一直不確定，那又是爲什麽？
或許是因為對方沒有跟你確定而你又是個臉皮薄極度被動的人所以你一直保持沉默。
你想講話卻又不知道對方是不是想聽
爲什麽他可以講很多你卻可以很專心聽甚至很想介入瞭解并完全把思考模式換成是對方的，而在你講話的時候對方卻沒有讓你有這種感覺呢？
你已經夠傻了，因為感性變得更傻
你的自我你的自信你的驕傲去哪了？
一直說服你自己說：“拿下面具，做回最真實的你”
都是一堆表面話
你不喜歡抽煙，卻一直試著接受，這又是爲什麽？
你和對方有時候會有一點代購，而你卻一直想知道更多，這又是爲什麽？
你一直想要的“被喜歡”因為沒有從對方得到而覺得自己很差，所以哭了是嗎？

其實你很驕傲
你太驕傲的覺得自己一定要被愛，你覺得這是理所當然的
你曾經因為家裡的關係而是一個很乖很乖的小孩
其實你的野心比任何一個人都大 你想要的東西比任何人都多
你曾經喜歡過的人 可能是因為自己家裡的或是年齡的關係 你一直沒有踏出任何一步 因為你很乖 你不懂得爭取 所以你失去
也或許你習慣被喜歡 所以當你經歷喜歡一個人的滋味時你才知道那有多不好玩
你曾經覺得曖昧很好，但現在你覺得曖昧是個討人厭的東西
對於一切不確切的事情抱有希望，難道你就不怕失望嗎？
你依然的驕傲自我

你被動的要死，一直覺得把主動權拋給對方是理所當然的
但是從對方的角度想 或許他也希望被喜歡
或許他比你還挑 比你還會想
雖然說21世紀男女平等
但是我就是很保守.......啊
你哭是因為什麽？
因為你想了很多的可能性，但都是自己的猜測
所以哭也沒用
你還是那麼的被動
你現在很矛盾 不知道要怎麼面對這種事情
你現在很自責 覺得自己不夠好
自信呢？！

你怕輸
你希望得到的就一定要到手
什麼時候你好勝心這麼強啊 女孩？
你的情緒請好好的控制

我要走了
你保重
ciao~

Different feeling of Wanting

I realized my English got worsen, so I decided to blog using English.
No direct translate, use proper English okay.

We can crave for what we want mentally, but we must not taking it for granted that you WILL definitely have it.
To get what you want you must first understand why do you want it?
I know too many reasons or analysis will make ourselves confuse at the end,
it's just like buying a swimming suit last week.
Compare with the HUI JUN last time, I will hesitate and think a lot of pros and cons of buying a swimming suit, isn't it tiring? So, I made up my mind before buying, I told myself :"when you found one that really suits you, then buy."
Tadah, I did it and I really love my swimming suit.
Well it's the same when you meet new friend, new environment.
Understand why do you want it is just a simple beginning of accepting new things.

"Definite" is confidence? scary?
There shouldn't have definite answers in life, in ones feeling.
Well, except those mathematics and theoretical questions.
We might change our mind or we might persist towards something
It's not definite that you're happy now and you'll happy forever
Why a pretty girl will be a tomboy the other year?
I believe there are reasons behind them or maybe not?
Sometimes I really wish that I can read people's mind, but sometimes i prefer to brush it aside by not thinking this and that.
SEE! I'm not a definite girl because I always add a "BUT" after saying something.
I should be like my roommate/course mate/best friend --- When you decided something don't always try to turn it over and still hesitating. Follow your first instinct.

Rational vs Emotional
Obviously Emotional wins when I'm facing 'emotional' matters.
I cant be myself when it hits me, well it's the me last time.
The me NOW, I prefer to BE MYSELF.
Make yourself comfortable and real rather than hiding yourself.

Wasai! I really don't have the ability to say some theoretical or inspiring things like those writers.
It's hard to express the feeling by saying it out, so i prefer to type it out.
Ciao~

錯覺也很好

你知道嗎
我以為一切都是雙方的
我真的很不明白那個意思
但是最後一句我真的愣住了

世界這麼多人
好的壞的善意的虛偽的假意的
我不是神一看就知道對方是什麽心態
雙方都很直接  但我覺得我不應該直接
我寧願讓它繼續也不要這麼快被打斷
我現在知道曖昧是個討人厭的東西
它可以變好也可以永遠變壞
一旦壞了那就真的很難彌補

是的...我外表熱情內心冰冷
爲什麽冰冷的心被打破卻又突然被告知沒有適合的地方住

我哭......但哭不出來
爲什麽？之前都很容易就可以表達我想哭的心情
我不知道是我理解錯誤還是什麽
至少我知道那幾句話看了就像鬼魂一樣讓我整天心不在焉

安慰自己的話就是
至少我勇於踏出去
這真的是我有史以來這麼的不被動

我很想哭 但是哭不出來
原來工作真的可以幫忙把東西彌補

來了嗎

當你在做其他事情的時候會不時想起另外一件事
當你下班回來期待得到一個答案
當你得到答案之後突然覺得很空虛
當你空虛之後突然他冒出來你很開心
當你聊到一半的時候電話響起
當電話響起你猶豫emmm了一下好奇要怎麼接
其實都只是簡單的conversation

我只能說
我現在真的不知道自己在想什麽
我很矛盾
因為我不知道我是喜歡那個感覺而已還是喜歡......

我有自己想法那每個人都有自己想法
我會有要求那每個人也會有要求

我.....現在很矛盾
幾年之後那個感覺又回來了
上一次我一直逃避因為那時候的我不適合
我這一次不會用逃避面對而是用互相瞭解